April 12, 2013

3 More Things That I hate About Music

3. Self Titled Albums

Examples: Wolfmother, Interpol, The Libertines, basically every fucking upcoming band since music is a thing.

I’ve been bitching about since forever, but I never got the chance to get into the itsy-bitsy details that infuriate me about this cursed phenomenon.

Well, ‘’infuriate’’ is a strong word, ‘’frustrate’’ might be more appropriate. No, it infuriates me.  Or does it frustrate me? See what this shit is doing to me? I can even tell how the hell I feel about it, because, coincidentally, I enjoy the majority of self-titled albums I’ve listened so far. And when I realize that the people who release self-titled albums are the ones whose music is refreshing, original and fully enjoyable, I wonder why they didn’t take a 5 minute break from cocaine and hookers to think about a proper name for their album. It’s really infuristrating.

2. Farewell tours

Examples: Everybody.

Let’s say an old, overly-plasticized and boring hag who happens to be one of the world’s most important pop-stars falls into the stinky pit of irrelevance and decides to retire from music and focus on other careers, like being in the jury of a major singing competition that only idiots care about.  Knowing that her audience is comprised of middle-aged people and their children who are forced to listen to her music by their parents because THIS IS THE REAL MUSIC, NOT THE RUBBISH YOU KIDS ARE LISTENING TO NOWADAYS, she needs to go out with a boom. Those plastic surgeries ain’t cheap, ya know. So what’s the solution?

Why, a farewell tour, of course. Multiple ones. That span over the course of a few years. It’s OK to cash-in on people’s sadness ‘cause you’re totally not going to do it again! 

There’s nothing more obscene and cynical in the world than farewell tours. Please, stop doing this if you’re not planning to overdose on cocaine at the end of it.

In case you’re wondering who’s the lovely lady I was reffering to, it’s Steven Tyler.

1. Pitchfork Media

Examples: Pitchfork Media

First of all, check this out. See anything wrong with it?

Yep, there’s no need to rush to your local ophthalmologist. I didn't provide you with a link, because that review has been removed from their website. It was a 0.0/10 rating given to Zaireeka, a decent album released by The Flaming Lips in 1997.  For an internet publication that focuses on independent music and underrated bands, they’re pretty keen on publicity stunts and shifting to whatever’s ‘’hip’’ these days.  They praise style over substance, subjective criticism over objective analysis, an artist’s public persona and ‘’integrity’’ over his music, and articles filled with cheap sarcasm, snobbish remarks and dumb one liners over actual reviews. How this website managed to become so popular is beyond my knowledge.  

Oh, right. By giving favorable ratings only to certain acts in order to bolster its influence when said bands become popular.  Riiiiiight. And by removing old reviews from their website in order to keep up with the changing trends in music. And by being a bunch of boring, hypocritical farts that thrive on controversy, preach on what's ''cool''/''uncool'', and setting the stage for the next generation of hipsters. 

Great job, guys. Thousands of years after you turn into dust and your existence will be forgotten, our cyborg descendants will laugh their fucking asses off at the mere sight of a bas-relief showing a bunch of skinny 20-something losers tearing each other to pieces because they all like the same band.


  1. Everybody hates Pitchfork. This is pretty much a fact. They can be pretentious and annoying as hell.
    However, I must honestly admit that over the last 10 or so years, Pitchfork has introduced me to LOTS of really great Music.
    Also, even though everybody bitches about them, we all still go there to read reviews.

  2. I go to Pitchfork just for the titles. I google them and log the fuck off the site.