2K12 GREASY CHIPS ROUND-UP PART 1 (Junk food aficionados unite! )

So after posting that pasta carbonara bit (which has been a real hit as far as I can tell), readers have been telling me I should do more posts about food on TZEEEAC. I think it's a great idea, maybe we can turn this thing into a food/music blog with regular food features, recipes, best canned tomatoes lists and shit. Marco could throw regular hissy fits about people putting ketchup on pizza and we could even review obscure food places around town. I think it would be pretty sweet.

ANYWAYZ, today's post is all about my favorite chips and why I'll never amount to anything because my definition of happiness and self-satisfaction is sitting on my ass, watching movies, eating chips and drinking beer.

The first stop on this oily journey is, of course, Doritos. I fucking love Doritos. They're my favorite brand of corn chips and if I could, I'd fill my bathtub with a hundred bags of Doritos and just sit in it forever. In the bullshit country I live in, Doritos only come in two flavours - Hot Corn and Nacho Cheese - because apparently the asshole geniuses at Frito-Lay think they're too good to ship some Cool Ranch Doritos over here. I sometimes find that Hot Corn Doritos are overpowering by themselves, so when I'm watching Game of Thrones or Spartacus or whatever, I usually buy one bag of each flavor and dump them both in the same bowl. That way, I get the delicious spicy flavor of Hot Corn, but then it's balanced by the subtle flavor of Nacho Cheese. I've spent many hours to come up with this technique. Shit's damn serious.

Chio Chips also have their own line of corn-based tortilla chips. They're pretty okay as far as taste and crunchiness go, but they're more expensive than Doritos. So you tell me why in the NINE FUCKS should I buy these when I can have MOTHERFUCKING DORITOS for less money? Pass.

When I'm too poor to afford Doritos - which happens a lot - or when me and the bros get together to watch some retarded horror flick and spill beer all over my carpet, I go to the local Kaufland store and buy a shitload of their proprietary-brand K Classic Tortilla Chips. These things are like the best deal ever when you're financially challenged, yet still crave the sweet taste of tortilla chips in and around your mouth. First of all, they're super cheap: they're usually priced at just under a dollar (3 RON), but they're frequently discounted and you can get them for around 60 pennies (2 RON) a bag if you're lucky. Second, one of these is three to four times larger than your average chip bag, weighing in at 200 grams, so that's a fuckload of tortilla chips for dirt cheap. Third, they come in four flavors (plain - with just a little bit of salt added, chilli, nacho cheese and barbecue) so you got the whole diversity thing going on. So you can see why these are great for a movie day or whatever the fuck: buy a bunch of K Classic Tortilla Chips bags, dump them all in a bunch of bowls, have your bros over and dig in, you vile, disgusting pigs! I usually pair them up with the K Classic Salsa Sauce, which also costs less than a dollar per bottle, and the feast is complete.

Moving on to potato chips, Chio have recently released an XTREMELOL brand of chips which come in three flavors: wasabi, salt&vinegar and chilli. The salt&vinegar ones are my absolute favorites. The sour vinegar taste goes amazingly well with the salt and the potato flavor and it's one of the best flavor combos I've ever tasted. Naysayers can go to hell. 

Next on my preference list are the wasabi-flavored Chio Xtreme. I almost had a meltdown the first time I tasted these. It was late at night. I was about to watch the latest Spartacus: Vengeance episode. I had my beer. I had a bag of wasabi chips. The episode started. I opened the bag. I grabbed a chip. I put it in my mouth. I started chewing. FIRE CONSUMED MY MOUTH AND MADE ITS WAY UP MY NOSE, TURNING ME INTO A CRYING BABY. I couldn't even finish half of the bag, but I've since gotten more accustomed to the wild taste and now I enjoy them whenever they are offered to me, because I sure as shit ain't spending any more money on these.

Ehhhhhhh. Chio Xtreme Chili are okay, I guess, but to me, they have no flavor at all, they're just hot. I bought a bag once, wasn't impressed, never gonna buy again. Oh well. 

I've only had these once and I was pretty drunk at the time, but they tasted pretty damn good. I usually don't like sour cream & herb flavored chips, but I liked these. I think it had something to do with the shape and size of the chips. Like maybe they hold more flavor or something. I don't know.  

Viva Chips aren't really chips, they're actually deep fried potato pellets. They're gross, they're way too salty, they're greasy and they only vaguely taste like potato. Yet somehow, I enjoy them and I still buy them occasionally. I think I'm the only one keeping these guys in business. YOU'RE WELCOME, WHOEVER MAKES THESE.

The best is usually saved for last, as the saying goes, but in this case, I saved the horrific for last. I have no idea who the hell pitched pickled gherkins as a chip flavor and I have no idea who thought to themselves "Hey, that's actually not a bad idea. Let's do it!", but these are pretty much the worst chips I've ever tried. Good thing I only bought the smallest bag available. The smell alone is enough to kill a mule or severely incapacitate a charging rhino, but the taste is just out-out-this-world bad. There are a few chosen ones who actually enjoy these, but I just can't get behind pickle-flavored potato chips. Get these things out of my sight.


So there we go! Hope you enjoyed this brief journey through the exciting world of potato and corn chips. Feel free to give me your opinions on this amazing subject via the comments section and, if you work for Frito-Lay, feel free to randomly send me crates full of Doritos. Much obliged.