Marco vs Chester: Arctic Monkeys - AM (2013)

"Its the work of a band still growing, still fine tuning, still learning and still experimenting; a band who will not look back at this record as a career high, but as the moment they stopped being defined by genre and instead become artists. Not a rock band, definitely not a indie band, bur artists. Think Bowie, think The Beatles, think Stevie Wonder and think Bob Dylan. From this point on, Arctic Monkeys can do whatever they want, sound however they like and always be Arctic Monkeys. But that's all for another day, sometime in their stupidly bright future. For now, we should celebrate this record for what it is - 41 minutes and 57 seconds of near perfection." - NME

MARCO'S THOUGHTS

I am so angry. So, so, so angry that Arctic Monkeys flat-out lied to everybody and got away with it just because they're so hip and edgy. They've promised us a more heavy, stoner-rock approach, and what we got instead are some stupid modern ballads about getting high, being a ''weekend rock star'', getting shit-faced while sporting a leather jackets and Grease-like hair-dos and some other totally forgettable songs that sound like weak Humbug b-sides. And believe it or not, that's not even the problem here. If a band promises to take a certain approach and doesn't do it, I can totally understand that. Things change, people change; maybe they hit a dead end and they're forced to start everything from scratch, whatever. But teasing the fans two fucking years prior to the release with a song that you'd later confirm as being ''your new stoner-rock new sound'' ( R U Mine), releasing another single one year later that sounds exactly the same (Do You Wanna Know), and including them into your new album together with a bunch of fucking snore fests that sound NOTHING like you promised they will is not the way to go. What I'm trying to say here, in case you're wondering, is that you're a bunch of fucking liars who have taken advantage of the massive ass-kissing campaign that the so called ''music press'' has started a couple of years ago in the most devious and cold-blooded way possible and you should be ashamed of yourselves. /rant

I don't even know what to say about the music itself, because my rant (which I wrote  at 4 A.M.) pretty much sums up all of my thoughts and feelings about AM. I've let it sit for nearly a day, hoping that I would change my mind about it and delete it, or at least edit bits of it. Obviously, I didn't. But for the sake of  fair and constructive critique, I'm gonna TRY to offer AM a proper review. Let's just hope I won't get angry in  the process.

The opening track, Do I Wanna Know (fittingly enough) represents everything Arctic Monkeys promised and failed to deliver. It's dirty and edgy, albeit a tad slow-paced and ZzZ-worthy if you're not in the right mood. R U Mine is, well... I like it. Sometimes. When I'm drunk and I feel like trashing shit and pissing away all the alcohol I've consumed in the bathroom of some sleazy pub. Fortunately, I've never felt the urge to start  bar fights and engage into random acts of vandalism, so I have no reason whatsoever to listen to it. Arabella alternates between the fuzzy, stoner-rock sound that should have been the center of the album and some boring, overly pretentious slow segments that only serve the purpose of ruining the song. One thing I liked about it though was the smart Beatles refere--- Fuck you, I'm not falling for that. Oh, and Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High has a pretty cool video. The song's mediocre at its best.

The rest of the tracks are so boring and forgettable that I left the album playing in the background several times and didn't even realize it was over. Not once did I unconsciously tap my foot against the floor, like I usually do, nor did I restart the song midway through it because I like it so much. It's bland, unimaginative and, most of all, the biggest cop-out in the history of music. Instead of like, REALLY experimenting, they've returned to safe territory. And you know what's the really sad thing? That everyone will praise them, from the lowest of fanboys to the so called music critics who sell their words. thoughts and integrity to whoever offers the bigger check. They're hip, they're cool and they wear leather jackets, which qualifies them for a safe spot in the ''edge of the mainstream'' i.e. the starting point for bands with a cult following who suddenly become ridiculously notorious. It's just a matter of time until they'll get to the real mainstrean.

If you've been following the Monkeys since their formation, please, avoid AM like the plague. It's not worth it. If you're a newcomer, well, whatever rocks your boat. Just don't touch me.

CHESTER'S SIDE

I'm not angry. I'm just terribly underwhelmed. Like Marco, I remember promises of things getting heavier and dirtier. I was expecting an evolution from Suck It And See (which I loved, by the way), a sound that would fit even better with Alex Turner's bad boy image and Matt Helders' hardass look. Filthy distortion, pounding drums, screaming guitar solos and a fuck-all attitude to go with all those leather jackets and slicked-back hairstyles, yet with sensitive thoughts and feelings of heartbreak and romance at the core. 

Off the whole album, only R U Mine? fulfills this implicit promise. And boy, how it fulfills it! From the first distorted note to the bulldozing drumming by Helders and all the way up to Turner's excellent vocals and Cook's labyrinthic and precise riffing, R U Mine? is the embodiment of everything I wanted from the new Arctic Monkeys album and a fantastic track in itself. 

Another high point of AM is Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High? in which Matt Helders and Nick O'Malley channel their inner 80s rap producers and kick out a groovy and rhythmic jam, over which Alex lays down his catchy, cryptic rhymes and an infectious chorus that's backed by some very discrete guitar chords that allow the vocals and rhythmic section to take center stage. 

Unfortunately, everything else is, quite frankly, totally forgettable. There's a chunk of songs, between tracks #3 and #8, that's full of ballads that sound like recycled bits from Humbug. There's nothing memorable going on in any aspect, which in turn transforms Turner's lyrics from mysteriously cute to mildly irritating. Sure, there are some funky groovy parts in certain songs and the production work is stellar, as it would be expected from a band which makes a billion dollars every day, but the overall feeling of the rest of the album is "I feel like I've heard it all before, only it was better". 

Like I said, I loved Suck It And See, even though I was apprehensive of it at first. After a dozen or so listens, one day it just clicked. I feel the same way about AM. I was expecting something rough'n'tough and an evolution in sound. Instead, it feels like the band is retreating already familiar territory, comfortable in rehashing things they did several years ago. AM might click for me later. I hope it does, although only liking 2 songs out of 12 isn't a very good omen. 

One final thought: this album has made me realize how much I dislike Alex Turner's look and attitude. His rockabilly pomade-ridden hairstyle, the leather jackets, the comb he keeps in the breast pocket and the practiced motion of pulling it out and slicking back the sides of his hair - all of it is so fake and engineered to look vintage-cool, it's sickening. I can appreciate Matt Helders keeping on his track pants and chewing gum for 11 years straight - it shows personality and a strong character which isn't swayed back and forth between trends. Alex Turner, instead, looks like a fucking Ken doll, only scrawnier and holding the guitar and comb accessories in his hands while recording songs on his retro 4-track cassette player, because that's the only way to write. I'm looking forward to the day when he becomes a human being again.