4 things I hate about modern music

 Sometimes I pause my winamp and let my mind go crazy in dark, unventilated places where one would never have the guts to wander. That’s when the cravings kick in and have .chester bring me some cocaine.

Given my rich experience in everything that has even the slightest, most microscopical link to music, I find myself obssesively noticing  every pattern, type or trend that could emerge.  As my history teacher once said, history has a habit of repeating itself after a period of time has passed between certain events ; humanity has been walking on the same circular road since its genesis, with minor deviations here and there... and so has music. 

Note:  4 months ago, when I started writing this article, I wanted to talk about annoying reccurencies that keep showing up in the whimsical world of music after a certain period of time has passed. But now I’m in fucking July and I’ve officialy turned this article  from an extensively reasearched historical one  into a stuttering rant. So if you feel like my cleverly written introduction has no place in such a garbage article, I’m sorry. I left it there out of narcissism.

So let’s start our bash-a-thon  with... 

4. Pop bands that are labeled as rock

Examples: Keane, Coldplay, Beady Eye, Kings of Leon, 

I know I’m going to find an insane amount of flaming shit at my doorstep the minute I post this article, but I just can’t help myself. I fucking hate pop-rock bands. 

Soooo hardcore.

And it’s not like I’d discriminate the people who like them, what shitty music they listen to is none of my  business.Whatever rocks your boat, dudes.Well, maybe it should be because, you know, I’m a rock critic wannabe and I have a moral responsibility to rise against everything that gets mainstream attention and praise from sold-out music critics while the band fails to achieve certain quality standards. Anyway, it’s not about the fans or even the genre itself, it’s about how the media is obscenely advertising  and labeling them as being genuine rock bands, with all rawness, blood and shit that comes with such a pure musical genre. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to get all preachy about what ’’true rock’’ represents (although I should, just for the sake of future generations). Every genre has its purpose, ideas and audience. But boy oh boy, how I hate to have something stuffed down my throat. Shame on them for thinking that they could make me listen to girl-bands like Coldplay while riding my Harley Davidson coked up and drunk. 

Even I couldn't put it better.

3. Nu-metal

Examples: Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit

Hey dudes, quick question:  Remember the Beastie Boys? Remember how awesome it was to finally find the kind of music that could really piss off your parents? Remember that strong anti-system attitude that you adopted by listening to their music? Man, those were the times.

Looking like an underpaid bank acccountant gets you loads of bitches.

I know, I might be a little young to talk about this because I didin’t catch them at the peak of their popularity, back in the mid 90’s. Still, their music and  message is pretty much universal and I’m pretty sure that even in freaking 2080 I’ll see kids listening to the Beasts on the street.

As much as it hurts to associate nu-metal bands with the Beasts (hell, even putting them on the same page screams of  blasphemous incestual rape), the Beasts were pretty much the precursors of nu-metal, for obvious reasons. Both share the same stylistic characteristics : heavy guitars, repetitive bass lines, frenetical drumming combined with rapping. 

Fortunately, there are a few pivotal differences between these too, one consisting in the overall quality and the other in the fans.  Long story short, the quality issue goes like this : the Beasts rock ass, while nu-metal sucks it. There you have it.

The fans suck too, by the way. This shit music gives them a feel of ’’edginess’’, of a false nonconformism. Basically, it appeals to empty-headed teens that feel cool by disagreeing with almost everything, and it’s fucking sad that music followed this path. 

2.  Dubstep/Drum and Base and the sorts

Example: Skrillex

Fuck dubstep. Fuck Drum and Base. Fuck the fans.  And while we’re into the fuck department, fuck people in general, too.

One of Tzeeeac's mandatory hiring requirements is to master druidism.

I might be a tad radical about this, but I can’t help myself. What started as an awesome, original idea back in the early 2000’s has been turned into a syntetized diahreea for urban prebuscent unsecure girl looking boys so they could shake their feet like a bunch of retarded horses.

It’s infuriating because I used to be a fan, too. It was something new,  special, because I never knew you could create such a lifefull music by using those devilish machineries. And like all the good things, the people ruined it. We wanted more of it, we wanted it to get mainstream, because with notoriety, artists get money, which can be used to create even more awesome music.  So we got Skrillex.

Thankfully, there are a few exceptions. So I might not look for those rope discounts after all.

1.  Vinyl Discs

 

Examples: Every fucking band with a budget that excedes two dollars.

I know what you’re going to say. Vinyl discs are a desperate measure to counter piracy,  an evil, obscure and satanical practice, perpetrated by diabolical individuals whose only purpose is to hit the artists where it hurts the most:  their finances. Because art costs, it’s needy, and even if artists do it just for the pleasure of it, they too are human and need some basic  stuff, you know? They can’t feed on air.

 Man, if i had the money, resources and powerful connections, I’d hire an entire choir of North Korean children  to call bullshit on that. Let me help you with an example: Let’s say a bunch of talented, ambitious senior highschoolers from Turtleshit, Kentucky decide to form an indie rock band.

Hey, nobody said anything about good looks.

 They start out by rehearsing in their drummers garage, who happens to have open-minded parents that support him and are too busy fucking all the time to be disturbed by the noise.  A few months later, things are still good. They wrote a few songs, the chemistry is starting to kick in and they’re getting better and better.  Being a band and all, it’s just a matter of time until they get in touch with other local bands, who share their ambition and dreams.  Later on, they start gigging in sleazy hipster clubs and get a bit of ackowlegement.  This step being taken, shit just got serious. They want to be bigger, they want to be famous , but reality strikes hard : to get a good manager, they need money.  To record an album, they need money. To start gigging in other places than sleazy strip clubs, they need money for a good manager to get them concerts and , again, the bar won’t let them have a gig there for free. 

So do you really think that a poorly funded undeground band would invest time, effort and unexisting financial resources into something as snobish and elitist as vinyl discs, just to counter piracy? This isin’t about small bands at all. It’s about the big ones.  The way I see it, it’s just a subtle way of declaring that they’re important, special and relevant by obscenely appealing to a niche audience and exploiting the shit out of them. Seriously, who owns a pick-up these days? And a fully functional one too; for that, you would have to buy one of those new ones, which are fucking expensive, by the way. So isin’t a record just to sit on your shelve? 

 It’s the same scheme that Hollywood uses these days by releasing stupid superhero movies.  They’re entertaining, yes, and fun to watch, but it can have some terrible repercursions on the long run.  As long as people keep asking The Man to satisfy their most idiotic and specific interests (be it in music or movies) there’s a big chance we won’t see something useful or even original for a long time. 

Have you noticed the patterns? Because I have, and it’s starting to creep me out. It’s like living in a world where everything is a copy of another copy, with slight changes that trick you into believing that you’re not living in an eternal present. 

Call National Security, Marco made a smart joke.